Vacation from me.

These days I find myself looking for time and space to cry. I want to do it most of the time. As I write this someone just walked in on me crying luckily for me they were either too kind to mention it or they didn’t notice. Who knew a large part of growing up was sadness, exhaustion, and despair? Not me..

Lately, I think of how much pain I am meant to carry on my own, there is no conceivable way of sharing it and unburdening myself. It is uniquely mine, words can not describe it because it lives within me. It makes an appearance when it wants, where it wants, it doesn’t knock because it has a master-key to every room in my mind.

The people that matter ask what is wrong, offer their help, a sympathetic ear, and even a shoulder to cry on and yet there is no relief from it.

And I find it so odd, where do I put this? How do I work around it? What is everyone else doing differently? How are they managing?

And the answers are out there…

Do this, do that, eat this, exercise, meditate! Listen to this talk, get your money up, go to therapy..

I am sure these changes would work, in some capacity. They’ve worked for me at another time. But I’ll call this my report from the bottom.

I don’t want help, nor am I looking for sympathy, I just really believe in documenting my existence as authentically as possible. We are never free from the effects of our decisions and now I am bearing the results of mine. I would make other choices if I could go back in time but then I think of all the beautiful people I would miss out on had I not chosen this path.

All the love I would’ve missed out on. Some days it’s worth it, on days like today it is not.

I’d like to therefore apply for a vacation from myself. Destination? Out of my own head.